A Broken Dream Revisited

It was a connection I didn't know I still had. It had been made so long ago, in a formative stage of my youth, another life it feels like. Perhaps she was the first vessel I turned my eyes upon after the notion of having my own boat had entered my head.

At my age then, she seemed a nicely sized boat, her twenty-five feet encompassing all the space I could possibly need. She was glorious with her forest green hull polished glassy, nifty brass portholes, varnished teak and mahogany. No engine, but she didn't need one, oh no. Norm took her out regularly and skillfully brought her back in under sail every time. True, she was all wood, but she had been well kept by a man who loved her. She was beautiful with a name to reflect it. Adagio. She had a character all her own, I talked to her sometimes as I paused in my dock wanderings. She was small and cute, but strong and well built. I dreamed about her and she filled me with ideas and ambition.

Some time went by. I returned to Moss Landing and found that Norm was no longer able to keep Adagio, she'd been given to the wooden boat lady to sit with two unfinished projects. Remembering my connection, I asked about her. It was a price far beyond me, something I couldn't be prepared for. So I let her go, I let her stay and I moved on in life. I went to school and experimented with different areas of interest, I suppose I developed my mind. Time passed anyways. Adagio languished by herself and became a neglected derelict. I forgot about my dream, only the passing fancy of a child.

But I was wrong. A piece of my heart stayed somewhere amongst the green paint and dark mahogany. Perhaps first inspirations stay with you like that. She did, at any rate. I realised that as I looked at two pieces in the scrap yard yesterday, a little bow piece and a little stern piece. Old paint on them, still cute and dainty, traces of her lines in them yet. Years after that first notion, boats make up most of my life and a day hardly goes by without a trip to the harbor or the smell of teak and varnish. And little Adagio is gone without the breath of new life I dreamed of giving her, the love and care that she deserved, the sailing she longed to have. She was my first dream, she owned a corner of my heart, she gave me inspiration. I didn't realise all she was to me, how influential she was, how she impacted my life. And now she is gone.

The Heart of the Sailor

The Ocean, it is pulling me off the shore. How badly I want to go with her and learn her secrets. Ever since I was a child she has called to me like a siren with alluring sunsets, bright sunrises and a calming voice echoing with the waves. She holds everything I need to live, but also possesses a finicky temper that could kill me without a thought. I have no desire to conquer her, for I believe that to be impossible. I only want to know her, to understand her complexities and her moods.

There are other things I love in this earth, but none that demand my heart like the Sea. It is as if I am left with no choice but to pursue her until my last breath has been drawn from me. It is hard to believe that she will allow me human love either, for she possesses other hearts as well. Perhaps we are meant to be fellow slaves to the same end, ceaselessly striving to understand that incredible force of nature, that Ocean...

A Calm in the Unknown

It is possible to have peace when the future seems uncertain. Not that I've ever seriously doubted the reality of it, but when things are going how they "should" be according to our miniscule selves the security factor overtakes what the true peace is all about. Trusting in His greater plan for me, and that this new direction is the right one, the inevitable one, is what really brings me peace. Yeah, a lot of things in my life are up in the air or unknown at the moment, but they'll work out and things will get better, and no matter what happens or what mistakes I make in the future He will always accept me for who I am and set me back on my feet. I don't think I will ever come to understand true love completely, but I see facets of it often and if I can just reflect the Father's unconditional love, then everything will fall into place. Because the most important thing is to love Him with all your heart, mind and soul, and love your neighbor (basically everyone). People can talk about "love," but this love is the real true Love that will last for eternity.

Danke!

Today, I just have thankfulness in my heart. The people I've been allowed to meet, befriend, work with, live with... It's incredible, and I don't deserve the point I have reached. So if you're out there, thank you!

Some Thoughts from Rockwell Kent

"Only the voyager perceives the poignant loveliness of life, for he alone has tasted of its contrasts. He has experienced the immense and wild expansion of the spirit outward bound, and the contracted heartburn of the homecoming. He has explored the two infinities - the external universe - and himself."

...

"What forces men on to the deliberate quest of miseries and danger? Are they remote yet deeply rooted habits of a race which once delighted in adventure for the gain it held, that still assert themselves against the very soul's desire for peace and the mind's clear understanding of the paths that lead there? Is it a far-visioned life-force maintaining itself against the disintegrating allurements of ease, a militant expression of the subconscious will that's cognizant of individual weakness, an assertion in contraries of the complex of inferiority? Is bravery the cloak of cowardice?" 

It is a bit wordy, I know, but when you get through it it's really a great piece of work. I find it quite interesting, the whole idea of our inherent desire for comfort and peace but also our thirst for adventure and everything that could cause discomfort and disrupt whatever peace there is. Humans are contradictory beings. Sometimes you'll be out in the cold and wet, and all you want is to be dry and wrapped in a blanket in front of a fireplace, and you ask yourself "why am I out here? How did I let myself be fooled into thinking this was a good idea?!" But eventually you pull through, and after you are wrapped up in your blanket, you start to think "hey, that wasn't a bad idea... It makes this blanket worth so much more." It definitely gives value to things that otherwise would be commonplace. Appreciation comes from perspective, so if you change yours often, I believe you will appreciate more things in the long run. 

That Feeling When...

New sheets make sleep amazing. A good session makes one stoked. Hitting every single note at the right time makes the music come alive. Catching the best ride yet causes euphoria. Watching an infant makes one appreciate our inherent capacity to learn. Sunsets make me dream of distant horizons. Wind makes me want to go sailing. Love makes my head spin.  

Something Akin to Joy

I think Joy is a place; that distinguishes it from Happiness which I think is a feeling. I've been feeling a lot of happiness lately, but I believe there is a piece of joy in there as well. There is peace in many things, and I have had a few clear thoughts recently. Not thoughts that should be posted here, but they were clear nonetheless. I think it is a good start to the year, and if I get half as many weeks that are this amazing in the rest of the year then I shall count myself lucky indeed.